My thoughts flowing like a river into the sea. Who am I?
In 2009, I could not even work out who I was.
Why did not I fit in a society so lame and menial? Empty of thoughts and ideas.
My friends have become memories I would be clinging on to till now. That must change, but I feel emotionally depleted.
I saw something that opened a new door to me; the possibility to take part in an student exchange programme in the USA. I was expecting to attend parties and hit the floor. Get drunk to a point that I would not care about anything anymore escaping this lame reality full of lies and treachery.
But, again, due to the shit coming from Hollywood that it had been drummed into my mind, I thought that I would be surrounded by attractive girls according to the reward I had been seeking and aspiring for because of working out hard every day.
But nothing happened, and I assumed everything was a lie, yet hey! I was living now in a foreign country improving my oral English and becoming more aware of how this world works!
And I still thought it was my fault. I compared obsessively with others trying to draw a coherent conclusion, and I always ended up in a cul-de-sac point whose answer remained unknown.
What is my destiny then? Who am I? What am I meant to be? Everything that I see now is pretty much an insult to my effort, my intelligence and my reputation.
All that I see is people muttering things that do not make any sense to me, though. I feel there is no hope. I am hopeless to the point that I only care about things that can be controlled. Things that are more random are not worth my attention.
My standards needed to be lowered because my friends, whose standards were meant to be the ideal ones everyone should be pursuing, had died now. They were pointless and, along with this, they had fallen apart.
Everything is so menial now in my eyes. Why am I not full of energy anymore? I feel like trapped in a world with no rewards, with no incentives, in a world where people only care about absurdity and emptiness.
When I am in bed, I cannot stop thinking about death and hesitation about the future. I am always frightened. I have no friends, mostly acquaintances and now I wonder what the point in staying alive is, though?
Maybe my destiny is not other than the one of becoming another crazy wanderer travelling across countries through exotic places that need to be discovered despite they have been discovered already, but they need to be more thoroughly explored.
I do not know. What do you say? Now in 2019, almost 2020, the only feasible option that I see is the one to focus on myself and not to give a damn about others anymore. Narcissism is the best tool that can protect me against the claws of failure and mediocrity surrounding me.
Venga, que ya sé que no puedes negar la tentación de dejar ver la película en la que un pato se lo montaba con una chica y que resultó ser la fantasía erótica de George Lucas.